| Time to move on |
[07/23/08 3:44pm] |
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I can't sleep anymore and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. The flu nearly killed me last week and I'm sure a good portion of why it got me so good was because my immune system was a little more vulnerable. And even with all the sleep I got because of feeling so crappy, I still feel like I could sleep for a year and it wouldn't be enough. But every time I try to sleep, my brain won't let me. I'm so convinced now that if I go to sleep, I'm going to wake up and find something else has happened. I'm lucky if I get four hours a night now.
Last night I talked to the girls and told them I can't stay anymore. They're sad but understanding, as I knew they would be. I can't just sit here anymore and wonder if anyone is alive. I stare at my cell phone for hours on end, willing it to ring and for the person on the other end to be Jean, or Bobby, or Paige, or Logan. In my head I know they're gone, I do. But my heart is having a really hard time accepting it.
I drove up to the school last weekend, or should I say, tried to. New Salem is still completely sanctioned off. No one is allowed in or out. Yes, I could just walk right in if I wanted but for my own safety I won't. I don't know what killed them up there or how it seeped into the air, or water, or whatever, and killed so many in this entire state. There is so much I don't understand and quite frankly, it's starting to piss me off. Sitting here every day is pissing me off. Knowing what a shell of myself I've become is pissing me off. So I'm going to change that. If I'm alive, who is to say no one else is? I've got to find out for myself. I don;t know how or even where to start, but being here isn't doing anything but wasting time.
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